I love UPS... mostly. Most days, the driver comes and picks up the orders from my front porch. When there are holidays, someone calls to ask if we're open and will require a pickup. Other than the petty annoyance that they won't ship to a PO Box, I'm really pleased with UPS' service. I wish I could use them for everything and never have to go to the post office again.

Except on the rare occasion when I have to call them. I don't normally have to call them. I have a daily pickup and that's usually all I need. But sometimes there are days like today when the daily pickup has already gone and I need to send out something that won't wait. Today it was an overnight letter.

I call 1-800-PICK-UPS and am confronted with the sweet little computer voice that gives me a variety of options. The problem is that none of the options are customer service. You know, to talk to a human being?

But today, that wasn't necessary. I just wanted to schedule a second pickup. "Schedule a pickup" should have been the option for me. But somewhere half-way through the transaction, the line wavered and died and I had to call back.

This meant going through schedule a pickup, air service, letter, one item, letter only, confirm close time, is the package ready now, schedule pickup confirm again. That's eight "screens". The second time around. Is it really necessary for a frequent customer to go through all this nonsense? Where's the option for "Just send the boy back!" I mean, unlike FedEx, I have the same driver for UPS Ground, Air and International. Exactly the same truck, same guy, goes to the same depot, everything. So what's the big concern with asking me all these questions?

Yeah yeah yeah... I know that they have to ask these for tracking purposes, but here's the thing: I'm a frequent customer. I use UPS Worldship that transmits data to UPS as soon as I make up the label. So in a perfect world, I shouldn't even have to call them to schedule a pickup because their system already has all the information on my package. This is BEFORE I call them.

This raises my blood pressure. It infuriates me when a computer voice doesn't understand my very clear and loud response of "yes" (it's probably programmed to respond to "yeah", "yup" and "ya"). I do not speak some strange aberration of the English language. I enunciate when I give my response. So why does it not understand me? Why do I have to say "yes" three times with increasing volume (and annoyance) to a stupid computer?!?!?!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! #$%@#*%&#%)#@)(*(F&*F^%#&$^%#&@*#

I'm telling you! I could have pushed "1" and been done by now. Why can't I push "1" anymore? I really really really want to push "1"!!!

God! Give me the days of "Push one for Shipping, 2 for Billing, 3 for..." Pushing buttons, I like. Talking to an incompetent machine that's programmed with "human-like" audible pauses makes me want to tear my hair out!

Add to this the fact that it goes back to "What do you want to do now? Ship a package? Track a package?..." giving me no way to gracefully end the call, and you can see why the top of my head comes off. I tried, "End call."

"Uh... I'm sorry. I didn't understand you."

"Goodbye?"

"Uh... I'm sorry. I didn't understand you."

"Terminate!"

Finally I hung up. Damn it works me up!